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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It irritates my close ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that professional help might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a safe space to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or exposure, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.